Living Beneath The Surface by Aida
When you've been pushed so hard until you've had to change the shape of who you are in essence, the soul finds a way to escape and dives deeper than the prying hands and the glaring eyes of your aggressors.
Like a fish, you swim through the deepest darkest parts of your soul and hide so far down, allowing yourself to be changed and moulded to their will, but never allowing the change to mould the contents of your heart.
You have been broken, damaged and verbally abused and this has left scattered trails of truth and lies that blur your vision and haunt your dreams.
The sweet, sticky bait of "do right by us and we will love you" is dangled like juicy berries grown from a manufactured vineyard, and you are hooked, not because you believe it, but because you are starving and it's the only form of substance you have for miles around.
Trembling with the many broken dreams and the shattered ego pieces of the former self, you gather your shadows like reeds on the edge of a stream and sew a cloak of solitude- the only comfort your mind can rest in while someone else's divine destiny forces your body into slavery.
At this point, people may ask why it is that you are so miserable. Why you are so negative. Why you can't just see the brighter side of things. Well, if you are brave, you will tell them the truth, that when you are so far down, down inside the depths of your own soul, it is black and dark and scary, and you have every right to feel angry and sad and alone, because that means you are still alive in there, and you are still swimming.
It's important to keep swimming. To keep pushing through all the layers, because the longer the abuse prolongs, the deeper the claws dig, and the longer you eat from the poisonous berries, the weaker the mind becomes, and the barriers of self-preservation weaken and begins to crumble, and that's when you start to fall apart.
Falling apart is good, because it's a way of reinventing yourself into something stronger. Your aggressors will take it as a victory for them. And don't feel angry that they are blowing your horn, because it allows you to be quick and nibble and drink from the waters of your soul while they are celebrating your demise, to seal your broken bones and regrow your flesh that has been disintegrating, to create a new you that can handle their torment.
There are so many new and amazing things to discover when you are in the darkest, scariest parts of your mind, and when that is the only thing you see, you tend to realize quite quickly that you are not as scary as you seemed. There are all sorts of amazing, secret places to hide in, and it is fascinating to dive deeper and deeper, until you create a perfect equilibrium between your fake existence and your soul's persistence to survive. The quiet fight of a troubled mind.
Even though the surface level may be fake as an automated plastic doll, keep communication between the mind and the soul clear because the soul is still stronger than the mind, and when things get too crazy, a quick swim to the surface might be the only thing between a sharp surface and a swift defeat. This will also be the only way to be able to determine that you have found your way to a safe place when the time is right.
Finally, your automated legs have walked until the shoes have eroded from your feet and your feet have eroded until your knees and you are still hobbling along like a crank-up robot toy on its last few screws. Falling head first into a river, you find yourself washed away into the sea, where you feel as though you are now lost forever.
As a storm builds up, the soul within suddenly feels that the world outside finally reflects the world within. It's a long journey this time to swim to the surface, and a journey that is littered with rotten berry juice and broken memories. It is sad and fierce, and at times even the soul wonders whether it should go on, but go on it does until it breaks the surface into a new, amazing organic for. That is the real you.
